Bella Syk

How I Knew We Werent Friends Anymore

Today a person TRIED IT on facebook. I wrote a post mentioning my fav podcast #TheRead.
“I love the podcast #TheRead the way they talk about not having children by fuck boys & not being the other woman, especially when you have had it done to you an KNOW the feeling. Sunday or Thursday they’re still the same christians.”
Whew it was great episode todayyyy! So this person jumped in the comments because i guess i hit a nerve in her life! Crazy. Maybe you shouldnt live so trife hmph! But being that that status couldve spoken to a few people on my facebook timeline (i know some people) i didnt her “hurt dog hollerin”.
I mean maybe if she wasnt so in fb & her life she’d know i have shit going on. Maybe that i stopped speaking to my ex fav cousin behind shit like this butttt no everyones lives twirl around her. This all was a mess.
I couldve sent a text but when i text her she doesnt respond, shes busy. I sent her a fb message about advice for my sis getting into her alma mater. She took days to respond, days. But today showed me if she thinks its about her, she will respond right away. Thats why we really arent friends.

Im sorry if your bd is a fuckboy. No ones bd turned that way after, the orgasm glow just isn’t there anymore. How is that my fault? An cheating? I mean women are vindictive an Denver is too small. I wish her the best but i wont waste my time calling it a friendship anymaś.

— 2 days ago
#the read  #facebook  #friendships  #personal blog 
What day is it?

1. The only job im qualified at, i hate

2. My lil cousin jay is 4 an now gets they put christ on the cross. She is PISSED! Shes been carrying around her bible, spreading his word. “They betrayed him mama?” the kind of thing she keeps saying to Corey

3. I will find a job in the next seven days. I will be able to buy a The Carters World Tour ticket.

4. Im tired of being poor.

5. Buying real estate in my next state. 2014 is my last year living in Denver. Even if i dont leave til august of 2015.

— 3 days ago
#peronal goals  #life  #personal blog  #denver 

3rd interview ive missed because i missed the bus. Maybe i really dont want a job. Why cant my blood pressure just kill me, like the docs have been saying for all my life.

— 3 days ago
My idea

I havent forgot, im just lazy & depressed. Ima get some get right though. Im cleaning up my life.

— 4 days ago
#personal blog 
we are not the same

Im now starting to hate moms (all of them) that encourage fuck shit from other moms. my mom does not buy me clothes and this is from years of me giving the :-/ face. I dont like when people buy me clothes, no one knows me good enough for that. except for maybe my cousin corey. 

anyway she went on vacation with some other people, an im sure they encouraged this. i think people try to push their mother/daughther shit this way. I HATE THAT SHIT! and you know how i know my mom knew she shouldnt have bought the stuff? how she gave it to me. she just set it on the chair.

because you know I HATE THAT SHIT! but nooo you were shopping with people who like to shop and really thought “this is something danielle would wear?” NO because I do not have one shirt that looks like this shirt. NOT ONE DAMN SHIRT. 

i know im hard to love but im not a person you buy clothes for.  if you dont know me you dont get why i buy what i buy. asking is too hard though. also anything i have asked her for, i never get. she always changes it to some fuck shit someone told her id like. the thing is anyone who really knew me wouldnt encourage that shit. they would say “she would want cash or a book” you dont know my interests. 

you dont know my friends, you dont know what makes me happy. you dont listen when i talk. you dont get that im not like you. you dont get im not a christian. i hate being in denver because no one gets it and i hate these people. i try, i smile but we are not the same. at all.

so i encourage others to leave. to create boundaries because that woman who grew you never cut the cord an thinks she should be thinking for you. if you never leave, she will never see herself for the control heavy person she is. even then some arent strong enough to really to really be themselves for their parents. i use to be one but now i just dont feel its worth it.

no one is worth it.  

— 4 days ago
#personal blog 
The bent arm

I should be doing things with my life but here i am creating a new private list on twitter, for a new timeline.

Went to the doc this morning for my arm. Ill never get full motion again. I knew that was a possibility but hearing it sucked. So now i have to decide my quality of life.

Do i want to subject myself to casting for them to stretch my arm or do i do nothing? It would be at least three months of that. Not sure i could do that mentality & be ok. I mean come on, i can only take so much.

What kind of life is living in a cast on my dominant arm? An thats only the beginning. They could maybe still do surgery after that! That could be six months of horribleness!

The sweating, the stink, the riding on public transportation in a cast. How do i work? What work can i do? How do i stay independent?

Im not a person you can help. I dont want people talking to me. I dont want to feel like the sick & shut in. I dont want to be handicapped for life but i am.

So here i am. Living my sucky life that only seems to get worse every time i try to improve it. Whew world im getting sick of trying.

— 5 days ago

I do know my biggest trigger is not feeling whole because of my arm. So i have made an appointment to see about a fix while i have insurance. Thank you President Obama!

Its not dark tress & crying. Its sun light an holding regular conversations. Ive learned to hide in plain site. Its just my thoughts, thinking an shit.

— 1 week ago
daily struggle

Somedays its like fighting through a fog. I question everything. It seems way easier to just end it. I wish I could start again. I could pick all different friends. a different way. There’s no one id take to my new life. 

I almost wish I was around college students. I want someone who wants more. I need the good energy. I need a new outlook. I feel surrounded by people who are living like life is okay. I just want to be around people living their truth. 

I want people who believe in their religion and follow it because its a passion not just a thing to make them feel better. I want women who value themselves and other women. There;s nothing worse in my life than single moms and their aint shit men. Not one is was different after the baby but let the moms tell it…

Maybe its just me on the outside looking in but everything was clear to me. We stay in the relationships we think we deserve. I think thats why this life thing is so hard for me.

Berry

— 1 week ago
Alone

A lot of time I feel really alone. Like no one with shared interests. I want to talk about pop culture an stuff thats happening. I am not one of these people.
I drink with them. Smoke with them but im not them. Denver doesnt excite me. They call it The Box and i feel like i live in a box. I dont know i dont feel this place.
The passion isnt here for me. I dont want children or a family really. I want conversations about book an recent articles. Music is fun, nothing i get deep about though.
I get so overwhelmed somedays. I use to push myself more to be apart of things here. Make an effort with people with children but i feel that closing.
I just want to be an adult without hearing your family/children problems. I dont connect with it. I ask myself why im around. Mostly its because people have control issues they dont want to address.

I just want to be a single girl with other single, child free people. Who might like the NBA and new beers. Who has an active lifestyle that doesnt revolve around tv. Someone who is present.

Its hard coming out of a dark hole looking for more and finding out/remembering why you dont want to be alive. If this is all my life is, i just dont want it.

— 1 week ago